“I must pass through” – How I encouraged myself during upgrade season.
“I must pass through” was the theme of the sermon (based on Numbers 21:21-25) Sis Sonja Smith preached on Sunday 5th February when visiting my church from Montserrat. At that period in my PhD, I was riddled with so much anxiety as I was preparing my report for my upcoming upgrade. Everyone told me that the upgrade was nothing to fear and passing was a likelihood. However, the fact that failure was a possibility was enough to increase and maintain my anxiety. This sermon was one of many that encouraged me during my preparation period. From the start of the year until my upgrade session, I had to be encouraging myself daily to rid my mind of the fear that wanted to consume it.
As I am a Christian the encouragement I refer to will have a theological foundation in case there are others out there who need advice on how to combat fear and anxiety although we know that we serve a God that can always take us over to the other side. My overarching existential crisis is not that I think God is incapable to help me, it’s whether I think God will help me on this occasion. I don’t doubt the power of God, I doubt whether it’s fate that I will encounter success in this particular battle, as there are times when failure is necessary. Rather than believing in my potential, I was more focused on my weaknesses, and I was hyper fixated on the probability that they would prevent me from moving forward.
During Easter 2021 I wrote a theory that relates to the paradox I’m speaking about.
Easter 2021 Theory
I’m sure there are many others out there who slip into the darkness of anxiety when faced with assignments and assessments. Therefore, this blog post is just an opportunity for me to provide some light to someone who may be trapped in the darkness or greyness of their anxious thought.
Here are some scriptures that encouraged me in the hours leading up to my upgrade:
Lamentations 3: 17-24
17 And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity.
18 And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord:
19 Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
20 My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
Numbers 13:33
33 “Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses, and said, “Let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it.”
Daniel 4 & 17
4 Children in whom was no blemish, but well favoured, and skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science, and such as had ability in them to stand in the king's palace, and whom they might teach the learning and the tongue of the Chaldeans.
17 As for these four children, God gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom: and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams.
Daniel 11:32
32 And such as do wickedly against the covenant shall he corrupt by flatteries: but the people that do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits.
Philippians 4: 11-13
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Another thing I did to encourage myself was to read a Bible plan on the YouVersion Bible app called ‘Developing Godly Self-Confidence.’ Lastly, I curated a good ol’ playlist to listen to as I commuted to uni on the day of my upgrade with songs that have encouraged me through my life.
My pre-upgrade playlist.
I can gladly testify today that I passed my upgrade!
I want to reassure anyone out there who may be preparing for an upgrade that I had a very pleasant experience and I enjoyed receiving the vital feedback I needed to ensure I have a strong thesis at the end of my PhD. The message I want to leave everyone with is, there are times when you may be overcome with anxiety although everyone reassures you there is no need to be anxious, and you are well prepared to pass. Nevertheless, your feelings are still valid, but the anxiety cannot win. For all the Christians out there, you can encourage yourself in similar ways to what I did. To non-Christians who have made it to the end of this blog post, I hope you managed to find some comfort in the things I have mentioned and gain some confidence in the fact that God can lift your countenance and help you to believe that no matter what the outcome is nothing can stop your destiny.
I’ll end with something my mum said as she was sealing my braids with hot water as I got dressed for my upgrade session,
“If you pass, it’s God and if you fail, it’s still God. The steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.”
